By: Candice A. Suarez, M.Ed., NCC/NCSC
“No!” Such a simple 2-letter word that makes the little hairs on the backs of our neck bristle. The word “no” elicits a stubborn drive in all of us. If we are told “no” we try harder. If we are told “no” we want to argue our point until our opponent gives in. If we are told “no” we want to find another way to do something so we hear the answer we want to hear…..the golden ticket “yes” or “OK” or “nice job.”
So why is it then, that when we say “no” to our children, we expect blind obedience? Do we expect them to not want to try harder? Do we not expect them to want to argue their point until we give in? Do we not expect them to want to find another (possibly less pleasing to US) way to do what they want to do? Of course they innately want to please us, but they are also wired the same way we are….to want what they want when they want it! And honestly, persistence and debating strategies are essential life skills we would want to instill in our children.
So should we then just let our children do what they want? Should we indulge every demand? Should we give them everything they ask for? Of course not!! But there are ways to teach, discipline, and instill responsibility and respect without argument, and actually, without saying the dreaded word “no.”
Take the following scenario:
Your son: “mom, can I go over to Trevor’s house to play?”
You: “No. You haven’t made your bed today. You can’t go til its done.”
Your son: “that is so unfair!!! I can’t believe you won’t let me go!!”
You: “OK, fine!! Then you can’t go at all! Why don’t you clean your room while you’re at it and vacuum the downstairs too!!!
Does this sound familiar? Before its over, you are both steaming, no one is happy and you will probably continue to escalate into further threats that you are probably not prepared to follow through with.
Lets try it again in a more positive way:
Your son: “mom, can I go over to Trevor’s house to play?”
You: “sure, as soon as your bed is made I’ll take you over”
Your son: “ugh, OK. I’ll be ready in a minute”
You are essentially saying the same thing as in the first scenario, but its all in the delivery. You are telling him what he CAN do and how he can do it. I know that sounds simple, and you’re probably thinking your child would still argue with you…… and he probably will! But if you continue to keep your language positive, and allow your child to see that it is in THEIR control when they get to go to their friend’s house, there will be less fighting and stress. The key is to remain calm when the “awe, but…..” starts to come out of his mouth. Just continue to repeat yourself calmly and firmly.
This technique can be applied to many situations. If your daughter asks for ice cream before breakfast, you could respond with a question or tell her what she CAN have, “when do you think might be a better time for ice cream?” or “why don’t you ask me again after dinner” or “you can have an apple or cereal.” If your son wants to play his video games longer after you have told him it’s time to stop, “you will have a chance to play again tomorrow,” or “what else can you think of to do instead?” If you are at the grocery store and your daughter is asking you for a toy, you could ask “did you bring your money with you?” or “that’s not on my list today, can you help me find the pancake mix?”
Of course there are times when there is no other option but to respond with “no,” such as in instances when safety is a concern, but if you use it sparingly, your child will know it must be serious. Setting clear boundaries and expectations for your family ahead of time will make questions from your child much easier to handle.
About the Author:
Candice Suarez is a National Certified Counselor-National Certified School Counselor working currently in Behavioral Health as a Mobile Therapist/Behavior Specialist Consultant. Through this position, she works with children and families with behavioral disorders and children on the autism spectrum. She develops treatment planning, provides consultation to families and schools, and facilitates training and supervision to direct support personnel. She has 9 years experience as a School Counselor in both Elementary and Middle School settings where she provided one-on-one and small group counseling as well as teaching classroom guidance lessons on topics such as conflict resolution, friendships, problem-solving, goal setting, career exploration, anger management, learning styles and multiple intelligences.
About Manifest Excellence, LLC
Health promotion and empowerment company Manifest Excellence®, LLC supports people with optimizing personal wellness by addressing the five key areas that impact health. They combine over 20 years traditional medical experience with a comprehensive & holistic wellness philosophy to provide innovative and effective wellness strategies. They enthusiastically teach a comprehensive approach to health and wellness that addresses mental, emotional, social, spiritual and physical well-being. For more information or to book a speaker visit http://www.ManifestExcellence.com
A wellness thought leader, she champions a comprehensive approach to health by addressing mental, emotional, social, spiritual & physical well-being with a simple and potent message. Her book Wellness Your Way offers a practical strategy to assist readers in creating a happier, healthier life. For more information or to book Dr. Hamilton for speaking engagements visit www.ManifestExcellence.com or www.DonnaHamiltonMD.com
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